im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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