ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
