He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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