I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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