I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
