I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize