____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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