All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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