Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
