sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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