You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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