i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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