I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
