saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
