She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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