i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
