I wish I could teleport
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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