Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I checked into jail on foursquare
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
