the condom got lost in my hair
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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