The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
