After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
