Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
