1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
