If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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