I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
