ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
