Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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