I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
