I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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