so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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