I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
