I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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