I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
