she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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