I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
