Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
