Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Someone signed my nipple.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
