You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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