I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We are two peas in an std pod
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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