woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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