dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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