party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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