Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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