remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
