Umm I'm too high to move.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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