just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
