dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
