Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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