well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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