I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My day in three words: secret purse cake
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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