I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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