I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
