It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize