I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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