he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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