New invention idea: vibrating tampons
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
