I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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