You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
