theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
