Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
