Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
