how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
